So apparently grad school isn't going to be the big life change I'm looking for.
I had my interview this morning. It was two hours later than they scheduled (it was supposed to be at 4:30am), asked some ambiguous questions, told me what they didn't like in my portfolio, and I was turned down. Had I known how much they were on the fence about accepting me I would've done the interview in person, because I bombed over the phone in these circumstances.
I was a giant mess right after. I couldn't even text Dana to tell him, I thought he'd think I was joking. I've calmed down (thanks Mom), and as it still feels like I've let myself (and everyone who was rooting for me) down, it's not the worst thing that could happen. They didn't reject me outright, there's just things I need to work on. And that's not a bad thing, really.
Just for fun, let's weigh the pros and cons of this situation:
Grad school pros:
- new experiences
- new people
- challenging myself, thus (hopefully) creating awesome things
Grad school cons:
- holy shit, expensive!
- lots of bureaucracy and administrative disorganization to deal with (Dana's had a tough time with it)
- less time to develop other aspects of my life (running, art, music)
- stress: lots of it
- sleep: less of it
I need to refine my design aesthetic and philosophy, apparently. I think deep down I knew this, and maybe I needed this to really see it. Things have generally come fairly easily to me through my schooling, good marks and acceptance into university wasn't very difficult for me, which is why this was so shocking. So maybe I've become complacent and lazy, and I think forcing myself to reevaluate my aesthetics and philosophy will put me that much more ahead.
So what's next? I'm still selling my apartment, then getting laser eye surgery, and moving to Eindhoven. I just need to throw finding a job into there. A job in Eindhoven. It'll be cool, I won't be broke! I'll look into grad school again at a later time. It'll still be there in the future, and maybe I won't feel like I need it later.
As disappointed as I am, I'm glad I'm no longer wondering and waiting and I can start moving forward. Now the future seems full of possibilities.